Dog People

By on Aug 17, 2014 in Blog Posts | 0 comments

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I just saw a grown man kiss two dogs. They were not his dogs, and he had to bend over and hold position to do it. As he knelt the dogs eagerly pushed forward with their snouts and licked him wildly about the mouth. His mouth was open. All three of them really seemed to enjoy themselves. Then he stood up, patted their heads and came in to the coffee shop apparently unaware that in some cultures he would now be considered legally married to two dogs.

Kissing Dogs is Gross

It looked like this, but with an additional dog and less shame.

We’ll skip over the obvious initial concern regarding dogs’ known fascination with their own anus’. They’ve also been known to eat anything that comes out of their bodies or anything else’s body. Furthermore, they don’t practice any kind of dental hygiene. This didn’t seem to pose an issue for those concerned. The worst part? They all kept their eyes open while they were doing it. The whole time.

I don’t get dog people. I like dogs, and I am a people, but I don’t get self-proclaimed “dog people”. These are the kind of people who, when you find yourself in a dog park and their giant tree-trunk-with-legs jumps on you leaving a streak of filth and funk on your freshly pressed suit say to you “Oh, that’s just Dogzilla’s way of saying hello. He likes you!”

How do you know he likes me? He’s a dog. They like anything with a crotch or food. I don’t feel special when Dogzilla jumped on four people before me and six after. If you don’t let the animal mount you then you’re somehow a terrible human being who hates dogs. That’s not fair. If you had a child who frequently ran up to strangers, stuck it’s face in their crotch and then licked them you’d apologize profusely and hope you wouldn’t be sued.

I don’t in any way blame the animals for this behavior. I blame their humans. It’s clear that dogs can learn that this behavior is unacceptable and show their affection or interest in other ways, but many dog owners find it “cute” and allow it. These are the same people who have children that never do anything wrong and are never allowed to lose in any contest.

Rather than having classes for training dogs perhaps we should have them for humans instead. I volunteer to teach it. All dogs will have leashes connected to their humans’ necks with choke collars so that, at the very least, I’ll be amused. At the end of the class I’ll give a big gold star to the human with the least bruising about the neck and train them as my replacement.