My girlfriend Erin loves Assassin’s Creed. I don’t know why – it looks really repetitive to me – so I’ll write a play-by-play in the hopes that I’ll understand it better and it will bring us closer together.
- Someone told Erin to go kill some people because he was busy, so she did. She had three minutes and got them all killed in about half that time.
- Some informant guy told her to get close to some guy by blending in with a group of scholars. Erin is now climbing roofs and stabbing people in the neck. I don’t know what this has to do with “blending in with a group of scholars.”
- Someone is crying out for help, but Erin has ignored him and is climbing a wall. She just killed another guy for no apparent reason.
- Erin just threw a knife at a guy, but I don’t know why. She is really violent and I’m questioning my judgement.
- She overheard some guy telling another guy something. I asked her what he said and she said “It doesn’t matter. I’m about to pickpocket someone.” I am more confused than ever.
- Now she’s murdering people in view of everyone, which is not very assassin-y. She’s surrounded and cursing. The controller is taking a lot of punishment.
- This game doesn’t have a health bar, instead it has a “memory bar” which is basically the same thing except that you don’t die, you just respawn at your last..memory checkpoint?
- So she killed all those guys which apparently was OK with the dozens of bystanders. Some guy even thanked her for it. Now she is stealing knives from people. Everyone seems to have knives in this game.
- She knows I’m writing now and has started to ham it up. Some guy in the distance asked who was responsible and she said aloud “It’s me. I’m responsible.”
- She know has 82/100 Jerusalem Crosses. When she gets 100 will Jesus save us?
- Now Erin has fallen from a roof and is being chased by someone. The music changed and I think it’s supposed to be exciting except she’s just doing everything she normally does, only faster.
- She just tried to hide in an in-explicable hiding place which is basically just some cloth hanging from poles. It didn’t work s now she’s running again.
- Apparently diving six stories down into a cart of hay is perfectly safe.
- I’ve just been informed that she’s not trying to get away; she needs to get to the other side of the city. She found another cloth thing and hid and now the music is gone.
- She killed a guard who, just before the knife got him, said “You’re not allowed to be here.” Why not, though? It’s just a roof top.
- She’s in the damned hay again.
- 83/100 Jesus crosses. Nothing happened.
- Make that 84. I don’t think she knows where she is going.
- She fell again and now the music is playing and the beeping noise is going off. She climbed to the top of a castle thing and used “eagle view” which was useless because you can’t see anything from up there.
- I’ve now been told that you populate the map that way. I guess that’s useful for about…10 seconds? How long do these people stand in one place?
- Now we’re watching some sketchy looking dudes talking about stealing stuff. I bet she kills them.
- A citizen is begging for help. Erin decided to help and is killing guards. They have her surrounded but inexplicably attack one at a time.
- She killed them all but got nothing for it except a nearby Jesus cross. I guess that was worth years of therapy for…justice?
- Erin has ignored the 1,384th beggar asking for “Just a few coins, please!”
- She laughed because after murdering another innocent roof guard he fell to his doom in an apparently pleasing manner.
- Another civilian was begging for help. She is killing more guards who are happily obliging her by watching as she kills their friends. I wonder what she’ll get for helping this person?
- Turns out Erin didn’t quite trigger the “saving the citizen thing” so all of that was for nothing. She’s running now. Again.
- Somehow she ran into the woman she just “saved”. She was an ugly looking old broad. I asked erin what she got for it, and she said that some civilians will defend her now when she assassinates someone. I wonder if that will ever happen because so far it seems to be all running, jumping, hiding and murdering random guards for nothing.
- She just saved another woman. She was civilian 5/6. I wonder why these people can’t just stay home or learn to take care of themselves. Ugh, I can hear another one…
- She’s killing more guards now. It’s exactly the same as every other time, except she’s on a roof now.
- Apparently all of the women would have been “made off with” in “another minute”. That seems unlikely.
- Erin said she thinks she has done everything she needs to do. I don’t know what she did, but now she’s running and jumping some more.
- The happiest I’ve seen her today; she killed another rooftop guard who fell and made the civilians run and scream. Her laugh was terrifying. This is not the sweet woman I thought I knew.
- The red alert thingy just went off again and a guard was right next to her when she climbed in the cloth thing but he lost the scent and walked away. Seems unlikely.
- The assassin is talking to some shop keeper guy named Malik who never has anyone in his shop. He’s telling him everything. Hope this guy is trustworthy. The assassin sounds so white that even I don’t trust him. Also, the voice acting sounds like they weren’t at all in the same room when they recorded it.
- So apparently she finished something and the character took a nap and its memory “fast forwarded”. Now she’s playing again and everything looks the same so I guess it didn’t go too far into the future.
- Erin tells me that the character is asleep and playing out the memories of his ancestors, hence the “memory” and “faster forwarding”. Is it possible that this whole game is just the playing carrying out the fantasies of some bored rich kid from the future? I hope not.
- Erin is done. She is tired of it. I don’t blame her.