|This character is not funny.|
It’s been a fine how-do-you-do over these past six years. With her anniversary as a cast member on Saturday Night Live approaching in November we can all look back and, in hindsight, see that Kristen Wiig has brought more pain and suffering to the world than any single human being has in our entire recorded history.
This may initially seem shocking, but the facts don’t lie. Since 2003 when Wiig was first seen on television in The Joe Schmo Show America has been involved in no less than four wars, simultaneously, costing millions of lives and over a trillion dollars. Rather than peace there is further unrest in the Middle East. We’re on the brink of war in Pakistan, and we’ve recently dispatched troops to Uganda. Coincidence?
Only two months prior to Wiig’s first show at Saturday Night Live, Hurricane Katrina wreaked havoc on the Gulf Coast of the United States killing more than 1,800 people and causing over 100 billion dollars in damage. The sociological and economic ramifications of Katrina are still being felt today by people all over the world. Isn’t it strange that one of the most devastating hurricanes in history hits just as Wiig gets her “big break” on SNL?
|This is mostly
Lorne Michaels’ fault.
Death and destruction weren’t the only tools Ms. Wiig brought to bear upon an unsuspecting world. With the guile of a thousand crooked politicians she set into place the worst financial meltdown since the Great Depression. It can hardly be a coincidence that the seeds were being sewn for this calamity just as Wiig’s star was rising.
As the subprime mortgage crisis reared it’s ugly head in 2007, Wiig enjoyed her first major motion picture role in Knocked Up. Even in a minor role she was not funny, and millions of Americans have lost their homes since her debut.
|Also not funny, and ugly.|
Wisely choosing not to risk box office failure by giving Wiig a leading role in a film, Hollywood producers still offered her supporting roles that would prove disastrous for the global economy. From 2007-2010 she had 16 forgettable performances in mostly unwatchable films. As she continued to practice her unique brand of comedic torture, the rest of us watched our 401k’s disappear, lost our homes and sold everything we owned in order to keep the lights on. Meanwhile in 2009, Kristen Wiig bought a two million dollar condo in New York City.
The root cause of all this suffering? It is the objective opinion of everyone who matters that Kristen Wiig is not funny. The characters that she has created are, one and all, detestable. Not a single one can be relied upon for anything more than an annoyed chuckle with any consistency, and many of her most famous characters not only lack creativity but rely on tediously linear plot lines to drive their dubious machinations.
As the powers that be continue to give Wiig opportunities to further damage the human race, we must all brace for what is certain to be a future laden with unimaginable pain and suffering for our species. Rumors abound that 2011 will be Wiig’s final season on SNL. Should this be true, the prayers of untold millions will be answered and the world may yet recover from what will henceforth be known as “The Wiiger Years”.